Thursday, June 16, 2011

Hedgehog Dilemma - A dating analogy?

Have you ever heard of the Hedgehog Dilemma?  I first heard of this analogy today when I was talking to a friend about her dating life.  She was venting to me about the typical relationship paradox that's all too familiar to most of us.  How, when we finally decide to take a chance with someone, and let our guard down..  how it always seems we end up getting hurt.  I listened to my friend describe her newest dating fiasco, thinking to myself.. been there, done that, sigh.  She ended her tale with this: 'Oh well, what can I do? It's the typical hedgehog dilemma.'  Never having heard this expression before, I asked her what she meant by 'hedgehog dilemma'?  She seemed genuinely surprised that I hadn't heard of it.  She explained that it was an analogy used to describe the perils of dating and intimate relationships.  I found myself wondering if was better to be a porcupine or a hedgehog.. or are they the same? I know that porcupine can shoot their quills out from their body.  I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think that hedgehogs have that same talent, though I could be wrong.  If I'm correct, then it would probably be better to be a hedgehog.  I should probably be worried that I'm even having this debate with myself right now...

Well, anyone who knows me, knows that once something piques my interest, I will have no peace in my life until I do some research.. so, of course, I Googled it.  Wikipedia had an interesting definition:
The hedgehog's dilemma, or sometimes the porcupine dilemma, is an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs all seek to become close to one another in order to share their heat during cold weather. However, once accomplished, they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp quills. They must step away from one another. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur for reasons which they cannot avoid.

Both Arthur Schopenhauer and Sigmund Freud have used this situation to describe what they feel is the state an individual will find themselves in relation to others. The hedgehog's dilemma suggests that despite goodwill, human intimacy cannot occur without substantial mutual harm, and what results is cautious behavior and weak relationships. With the hedgehog's dilemma one is recommended to use moderation in the affairs with others both because it is in self-interest, and also out of consideration for others.
Maybe it's just me, but after reading above.. I find the whole love thing sort of depressing.  Really, what hope do we have if we are, in fact hedgehogs?  Couldn't we just be soft, fluffy bunnies instead?

What's your opinion on the Hedgehog Dilemma?  Do you think it's an accurate analogy of love and relationships? 

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." ~Neil Gaiman