Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Isn't it just tragic..?

When I started my journey over two years ago as a divorced, single mom, I was filled with promises of all the possibilities.  I was leaving behind me a life filled with criticism, control, and a life that had been tainted with an emotional burden so heavy, that when I look back on those years; I marvel that I made it through with a sound mind and body.

The incredible rush of my new found freedom gave me a skip to my steps; I felt invincible.  Looking ahead, I could see nothing but meadows of possibilities.. oh the things that I will do. I will prove him wrong, I'll go on to live a successful and fulfilling life.  I will learn how to take care of myself.  I can take care of myself.  These thoughts provided me with contentment and satisfaction.  However, as grand as my beliefs were, when it came down to it, I had no idea how to turn my imagination into my reality.

As the days have progressed, my once light and joyful attitude became encumbered with the everyday heaviness of life, of living.  Soon, it began to be clear to me, that even though I was free from where I came from; my freedom did not come without a price.  A price that I struggle everyday trying to will myself to figure out how to pay it.  How does a woman who's husband controlled every aspect of her life, learn how to take back her control and power within herself?
How does a woman who is told she will never make it without him, learn to quiet that voice in her head, that mercilessly taunts her from morning until night?

How does a woman who is told she's stupid, convince herself that she isn't?
How does a woman who has no clue how to take care of herself, take care of herself?  I feel as if I'm standing on this precipice.  As I look before me, I'm in awe at the incredibly stunning view before me.  The view I see is one of all the many thousands, perhaps even millions, of possibilities in front of me.  My heart races with the anticipation of reaching even a few.. and then my heart cries because I realize that even though I know I want to get there, I can't find a way.  So, I stand there broken and shaking, wistfully looking before me.  Knowing I should just leap from this cliff I stand on, but not knowing how to get there once I do.
Physically, I am free.  Emotionally, I am not.. I live there everyday inside of myself, feeling completely inadequate and overwhelmed.  And as time ticks away, my anxieties and uncertainties become even more amplified as bills begin piling up.. worries about having enough food for the kids to eat.  The guilt I have because there's no money to take my kids to do anything fun this summer.. two birthdays coming up in weeks and I have no idea how or where I'll come up with money for their gifts.

So I'm left with my thoughts as they devour me from the inside out.. he was right.. I can't do this.  I've failed. I'm utterly incapable.  So pathetic.. so tragic.